A recent redesign of Facebook made old Notes more prominent--reminding me that I had written some, including a short-lived column called "Just Ask Jimmy" with advice on everything from caring for your pet badger to avoiding spiked lemonade at innocent-looking street-corner stands. I have decided to re-post Volume 3, Issue 12 (in which I respond to a query from one neighbor to the north about another) to preserve the general flavor of my juvenalia. Please note that I can take credit only for the answer, not for the initial query from one of my countless (or so) readers:
Just one question. Global warming: truth or conspiracy?
-Not So Hot in Idaho
Dear Not So,
so glad you asked, but I’m afraid you phrased the question wrong.
People as wise and wiser than I am recognize that not everything can be
seen as either/or. So before answering your question, I’ll have to break
it down into two parts.
Question: Is global warming real? Answer: Yes.
Question: Is it a conspiracy? Answer: Also yes.
see, global warming is not a conspiracy of alarmists, designed to slow
the economy or generate more work for journalists by adding yet another
layer to the daily news. It’s a conspiracy of a much more sinister
nature. The goal? World domination. The evil mastermind? Canada.
right: my shocking recent research shows that our “friendly” neighbor
to the north is perhaps not so “friendly” as many United States of
Americans might think. A careful analysis of the revisionist history
taught in Canadian schools shows a definite aggressiveness embedded in
their culture: they count both our Revolutionary War and the War of 1812
as ending in clear Canadian victories, even though every student in the
U.S. knows that the only war in which Canada clearly beat us was
Vietnam. Obviously, Canada has long resented the way that the United
States has upstaged them in world affairs.
An alert reader, who also
happens to be a free-lance secret agent, recently sent me evidence
supporting my long-held belief that Canada has been doing more than
passively resenting us over the past 20 years. In a file labeled “Bacon”
(the Canadian word for “ham”), my F-L.S.A. friend found documentation
of the secret initiative Canada launched at the end of the Cold War to
make sure they, and not the U.S., would be the lone superpower by 2050.
of several proposed plans, one was ultimately chosen: Canadian
scientists confirmed that increased greenhouse gas emissions would cause
an irreversible but contained process of global warming. Global warming
would, obviously, damage or devastate many of the world’s countries,
especially those in already-warm areas and those with long coasts and
large river systems. At the same time, Canada would see a 143% increase
in arable land, a 96% increase in income from tourism, and an end to its
long-standing, crippling dependence on banana imports.
course, was not about to rest content with this subtle shift in the
balance of world power. They planned to open their borders to immigrants
fleeing China, India, and other river-infested countries: highly
educated ones to make them world leaders in science and technology, but
also uneducated ones to give them the largest standing army on earth,
with which, as the Bacon files attest, they plan to seize Idaho,
Montana, the Dakotas, and other post-global-warming powerhouses of
American agriculture, thus leveraging the crises to put themselves in a
position as the world's only superpower.
“I can see,” you are
probably saying to yourself, “that Canada could use global warming to
become the most powerful nation in the world. But does that mean they
are causing it? Isn’t Canada one of the leaders in the fight against
To which I respond: that’s part of what makes this
plan so diabolical. Canada intentionally set itself up as a world
“leader” against global warming, knowing that this would automatically
make the cause seem nerdy, marginal and unattractive. At the same time,
they set their most secret, most talented mole to work in the United
States, to stymie any effective international co-operation against
global warming and to accelerate the process of increased greenhouse-gas
emissions. The mole’s birth name was Alexander Winkel Hamilton, Jr.; he
was a child prodigy and the son of one of Saskatchewan’s top Mounties.
As a very young child, however, he was secretly swapped with the son of
an affluent and powerful American family, putting him in an ideal
position to amass power and use it for the benefit of his native Canada.
Watch this column for further information on the meteoric rise and
manipulation of power by this Canadian mole, known to most as George W.
Bush, President of the United States of America.
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